To those who are struggling with eating and/or their body image, I ask, give me 3 minutes.
There have been many times where I wanted to restrict myself again. There are times where when looking at myself in the mirror, I do not love myself nor accept myself. There are times where I forget the emotional and internal hardships of restricting myself to a mere 1,200 calories every day, of saying no to anything processed no matter the occasion, of losing control of myself both mentally and physically.
But I stop myself.
I don’t let myself redownload MyFitnessPal. I don’t let myself skip meals. I don’t let myself binge. I let myself be.
Amidst all the self-hate, I know that the happiness and satisfaction these restrictions will give me is temporary and short-lived. Yes, I may achieve society’s skinny and fit into size double zero clothes (to note, body image is whole spectrum so an unhealthy body image for someone might be another person’s healthy frame). But along comes a little to none self-esteem and constant noise inside my head. I can never eat peacefully, exercise peacefully, or live peacefully. I will continue to steer clear from social events in the fear of eating too much. I will continue to ignore my body and what my body needs.
And that’s all that takes for me to not turn back. While I don’t like where I am currently, I know that moving backwards won’t be any better. All I can do is continue moving forward, step by step with the faith that there is light (recovery) at the end of this long and dark tunnel.
So think long. Think hard. Think about what you want to fight for.